WHY HEALTHY MARRIAGES KEEP CHANGING
Key Takeaways
• Marriage requires learning how to love your spouse through constant change
• Life experiences shape who we become, and those changes impact the relationship
• Strong marriages learn how to reconnect and fall in love again in each season
• Most marriages drift not from one big moment, but from small misalignments over time
One thing Sonia and I tell every couple we walk through marriage counseling with is this: When you get married, you have to be prepared to spend the rest of your life learning how to love your spouse through the changes that will inevitably come.
Because the truth is, the person you walk down the aisle with will not be the same person you’re living with just two years later. Life has a way of shaping us, stretching us, and sometimes even breaking parts of us that we didn’t know could be broken. And when that happens, it doesn’t just affect you, it affects your marriage.
Let me give you a real example. Sonia married me on June 24th, 2012. Then in November of 2013, I lost my mother to lung cancer, and it changed me. And if we’re being honest, how could it not?
How could anyone expect me to be the same person I was in October after losing the one person who had been a constant in my life for my entire life up to that point?
And on the other side of that, how could I ever expect Sonia to be the same woman I married after she lost her dad in October of 2021? This was the man who loved her, raised her, and sacrificed so much to give her every opportunity he could.
Those moments don’t just pass through your life, they shape you.
Life Changes People, Marriage Has to Adjust
And here’s what we’ve learned over time. Not every change in marriage comes through loss, but every marriage will experience change.
For some couples, it’s the loss of a child. For others, it’s a career shift after 25 years. For some, it’s finally earning the degree they fought so hard for, starting a non-profit, writing the book, launching the business, or walking through a health crisis they never saw coming.
Sometimes it’s a miscarriage, for some people, more than once. Sometimes it’s a car accident. Sometimes it’s mental health struggles that seem to show up out of nowhere.
The details may look different, but the reality stays the same. Life changes people, and marriage requires us to keep choosing each other through those changes.
Strong Marriages Learn How to Fall in Love Again
What I’ve learned is that the marriages which last AND thrive are not the ones that avoid change. They are the ones that learn how to fall in love over and over again with the same person as they grow into new versions of themselves.
That means you don’t just rely on who your spouse used to be. You learn who they are becoming. It means you create space for growth instead of resisting it. You communicate new needs instead of assuming things will stay the same. And you learn how to adjust so you can grow together instead of growing apart.
Because the truth is, your spouse is going to change. The real question is, will your love grow with them?
Why Marriages Don’t Usually Fall Apart Overnight
Here’s something else I’ve noticed after walking with couples over our many years of ministry. Most marriages don’t fall apart because people wake up one day and suddenly decide they don’t want it anymore. It’s usually much more subtle than that.
It’s slow. It’s quiet. It’s unintentional.
It’s like two people riding on a motorcycle together. As long as the road is straight, everything feels smooth. But when the road starts to turn, both people have to lean in the same direction. And if they don’t, if one leans left while the other stays upright or leans right, eventually somewhere on the road, they’re going to lose their balance.
That’s how a lot of marriages drift. Not because people stopped caring, but because they slowly lost their ability to move together through the turns.
And if you want to understand how that drift actually happens over time, I break that down more in 👉 Why Marriages Slowly Drift Apart, because most couples don’t even realize it’s happening until they feel the distance.
Learning to Move Together Again
I’m a believer that healthy marriages don’t avoid the turns. They simply learn how to navigate them together.
They pay attention to what’s changing. They talk about what they’re feeling. They recognize when something is off and make the adjustments needed to get back in alignment.
Sometimes that looks like deeper conversations. Sometimes it looks like extending grace. Sometimes it looks like saying, “I know you’re not the same person you were before, help me understand who you are now.”
That’s where growth happens. And that’s where connection gets rebuilt.
A Question Worth Considering
Who were you when you first got married, and how have you or your spouse changed since then?
And more importantly…what adjustments have you made to continue loving each other well in this new season?
Continue the Journey
If this resonates with you, this is exactly the kind of conversation we continue to unpack through the Plain English Academy and in our teaching on marriage and leadership.
And if you’re walking through right now, I’d also encourage you to read:
• Why Marriages Slowly Drift Apart
• The 5 Laws of Protecting Your Marriage
Because strong marriages aren’t built by accident, they’re built with intention over time.
For more leadership and faith-based teaching like this, explore the resources available inside the Plain English Academy. You can also learn more about the mission behind Plain English on the About page or read additional articles on the Plain English Blog.
Churches and organizations interested in leadership or spiritual development training can also book Pastor Jay to speak.
Continue the Conversation
If this article resonated with you and you want to keep growing in the areas of Marriage, Leadership, and the Five-Fold, we’d love to invite you to join us inside the Plain English Academy.
You can start by joining our free Plain English Academy Community on Facebook, or explore the in-depth courses and hands-on training available through the Academy with Pastor Jay and Pastor Sonia.
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Inside the Plain English Academy you’ll find practical courses, leadership formation, and real conversations designed to help you live, lead, and love with purpose.
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